Understanding Through Life's Experience
I have a few blogs in draft mode, which may have been written mostly for myself. I’m just not feeling the push to publish any of those at this point. I realize I’m coming up to the point of needing to post to stay at par with the requirement.
There is one thing that sticks out for me and it’s been bothering me for a while, especially because it was a big reason for my desire to be part of the I Ho Chuan this year. It was the social connection, it was a reconnection to something that meant a lot to me, along with being amongst like minded people and a group long time friends. The friend’s concept was also unexpected as the student body is by large new to me.
Out of the gates I want to thank Sihing Kobe Csillag for the departing wave prior to me closing out Zoom Thursday evening. Maybe it’s not until one is in the remote position does one understand the feeling of being a part of the class but not really. We depart after an hour like an unseen fly on the wall, it feels awkward and very alone. I personally find it tough to be a part of the class in my home office, at such a distance and knowing that I may not even be in the kwoon this year.
Comradery is important for mental engagement. I have to be honest, my feelings as to whether this one year long distance commitment is serving me in a good way or negative is on the table. Don’t get me wrong, there certainly are some positive take always, but to be so alone in this, is a challenge in itself. Can any of you see yourselves committing to this whole year by Zoom? Kind of like getting married to a person who is across the country and never seeing or touching them. The thought is good but realistically that marriage would not work.
We are all aware and want to actively practice empathy, compassion, humility and just be a person that stands out in a good way, but do we truly understand what that all means in situations where we have no personal identity. Anti-bullying and awareness of, really stands out to me as I was bullied as a child; I know the pain and fear. The first few years of promoting awareness and understanding of mental illness, didn’t mean as much to me until having gone through a decade struggle of mental uncertainty. It is often said that parents make better school teachers, than teachers who have not had children.
All that to say, recognition and understanding without having been there oneself, may not be as vivid as someone whom has filled those shoes.
April 12 (day 75)
Acts of Kindness recorded - 142,
Push-ups - 10355,
Sit-ups and or equivalents - 11150,
Kilometers (intentional extra mileage) - 527.45,
Meditation/ inversion table (min.) - 155,
Stretching/ rolling (min.) - 256
Sparring/ grappling (min.) - 78,
# of forms re-familiarized - 7.0
Form reps - 222,
Form time (min.) - 659
“Mastery” recite (min.) - 79,
Blogs - 12
It is very hard to be part of a group when you’re remote. Kobe is one of the only ones that has managed to successfully do it (sihing Lindstrom as well) but he also shares the frustration of being online. He at least has family support in the journey.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend connecting with specific team members directly. This can possibly help you with this challenge.
I don’t feel the situations are even remotely the same. Most of the current student body knows nothing of my history with SRKF. My entire 14 years as a member from white to black belt was remote and I was successful. The challenge I present in this blog is not what Kobe and Kevin are going through or will likely ever go through, it’s much more than the I Ho Chuan requirements. My story is deep, which I have not shared. I tend to give tidbits, which I think may misdirect in my point.
DeleteI think my real challenge is trying to grow from many years of mental depletion. I don’t think I’m an easy fix. Thanks for writing Yitzik.
I agree. Find someone to connect with on a regular basis. I can tell you those on zoom who succeed are not alone in their endeavours.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sifu. My replies to Yitzik and Michele will apply to this response as well to a certain degree. This years zoom is only a very small portion of the overall struggle that I’m trying to convey. I succeeded in 14 years of kung fu development being away and that was without zoom, that was without that tool. It’s not zoom or Silent River it’s a Darcy problem. I’m not sure how to portray this. I’m not sure how to resolve how I feel other than to continue to pacify it with distraction, which is what I have literally done for 50 years. It seems to be more of an issue as of lately because many years of deep problems have come to surface. My stuff is pretty personal and I don’t feel that it would be appropriate to spill on anyone there and with no disrespect intended, I don’t feel I know anyone well enough there to do that with.
DeleteAs someone not on the team but reading all the blogs, I see your engagement through your blogs and how you respond to other blogs. The conversation, insight and wisdom you share is a form of connection, helping the team to connect to you, to each other and to the shared journey we are all on. It may not be a physical or in person energy and connection, however it is very real and a powerful connection you are building through your continued level of engagement. Maybe it’s time to reframe your idea of connection ? Sometimes we need to let go of what we wished or hoped for so we can embrace and see the beauty of what is unfolding around us. My first year on the team I had big expectations of everything I would accomplish. Towards the end of the year I felt a bit disappointed until I removed my preset expectations from the equation and began to reflect on the year and was amazed at everything I had experienced, struggled with how far I’d come. My perspective changed and opened up.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insight Michele. It’s nice to hear what you are hearing from the outside. My perspective from my blogging presence is a little different. From the beginning I felt a bit more accepted but that has phased off; some members are still very receptive, my feeling is not many though. I have pulled back a bit as I felt maybe I was becoming too much of a presence. I think that what I know I need in my life struggles is different than what everyone can envision. There is a very young demographic in the group that has no idea what I’m presenting. This is where my translation in my blogs can be maybe be a little misleading. This is awkward to even reply on. I’ve always been the people pleaser, wanting to help, and now moving into a point in my life where I want to share some of my crap with hopes (I think) that I can divert people from taking my path. It’s strange…it’s even strange to me, so for readers of my writings, I feel I might be creating more confusion than clarity.
ReplyDelete